WHY DID YOU APPEAR

Thursday, June 01, 2006

this post is a dedication to my beloved grandma.. yup..

during my IS lesson today... i got a phone call from home.. she passed away.. in JB.. so many things flashed through my mind.. the times when she was staying at my house.. all the things.. all the events.. all the times.. so many things i wanna telll her.. sorrie and stuff.. i remembered the time i lost my temper and shouted at her. i remembered getting angry at her.. i remembered how she would tell me stories when i asked her to.. i remembered the times when she would buy me sweet treats.. i remember the time she forked out $10 bucks for me to get a basketball.. i remembered the times of so many things.. having to wake up early in the morning to accompany her to the doctor's.. having to lend her a hand as a walking support.. having to get her medication and milk powder every now and then.. having her to help wash my socks.. having her to finish the things i left undone.. those household chores.. it been about 2 yrs since she moved in JB after some family quarrel.. i haben seen her for so long.. last yr.. i should have went in to take a look at her.. darn my stubborn-ness.. i quarrelled with my mom and did not went in.. this holiday... i tot.. maybe i could get to see her after so long.. i am just so close to seeing her.. i just wana let her see hw much i grown.. just like another 10 days or wad.. and i gona be in JB visiting her.. and now.. weekend i am gg in to attend the wake.. and to send her off..

there are so many things..
i wanna say.. i am sorry for having u to give in to me when i was angry back then..
i am sorry for getting angry with u at times..
i am sorry that every now and then u have to do wad i left undone..
i am sorry i didn't come in to see u last holidays..
i am sorry i can;t do much when the quarrells begin..
i know no matter how much tears we shed now.. it wun reverse back time.. i just can't get it.. why now?? why not after i visit u?? i am sure u wanna see me too.. i wanna see u too.. i dun get it.. why things turn out this way.. just a couple of days more.. why?? just dun get it.. hai.. i am so gonna miss u grandma.. the second wake i attended.. or rather the third.. first, my dad.. then my uncle's.. now hers.. i never expected it.. sighs..

i dunno wad to do and say.. u will always be in my mind.. i am sure.. and rest in peace i suppose.. i dunno wad else i can do... maybe its a form of relieve for u.. having to live so unhappily inside.. maybe the initial tot of asking them to share some repsonsibility in taking care of u was very wrong from the beginning.. but i am just so afraid.. having u slip and fell once.. i am afraid.. we all go out study and work so long.. for long hours u will be alone at home.. and then we tot. maybe malaysia would be better and all.. but it turn out worse. i dun even know wad caused u to die.. so many reasons flashed through my minds.. and i am not allowed to question them.. to prevent bad blood.. i dunno.. but why?? for now.. i hope.. ur last journey will be smooth.. dun worry.. me and brother are coming in on sat.. i just hope to listen to ur stories once more.. i still dunno so much about u.. i.. dunno.. rest well.. grandma..

8:43 PM